One of my oldest and dearest friends complained/mentioned (lol) that I never post pictures of myself online. Not on my blog, my facebook page (although in all fairness, I can’t remember HOW to post pictures on facebook LOL) or on any of the sites where I host my family pictures; so I promised I would find some and post them. Well, guess what? There are very few pictures of me since the kids were born! Especially the past several years. I realized that I’m either taking the pictures, home sick and my parents are taking the pictures or I’m hiding from the pictures! I used to be a “ham” when I was younger but I stopped letting anyone photograph me after I started to get sick. I never really thought about it until now.
Besides feeling like crap (who wants to smile for a camera when they are in pain or suffering from extreme fatigue ya know?), in the beginning it was because the medications I was taking made my face puffy. Then I started gaining weight (a LOT of it and VERY quickly) and I didn’t want anyone to see me or remember me like that because after all, that is NOT who I am (was). I kept putting it off telling myself (and everyone else), just wait until I’m better and then we can take pictures. Just wait until I’m back to normal again.
I’m not used to feeling THIS unattractive or being overweight and it’s extremely difficult, but I think I’m finally learning that it doesn’t matter so much as I get older. To lose your physical beauty at an early age is not an easy thing to accept, especially when you have no control over it. But hey, that’s life right? I have to keep reminding myself that my body is just the rental vehicle I happen to be driving while I’m here and when I get to the next chapter, I can ditch the stupid thing and leave it behind forever! (In my next life, I’m going to upgrade to a better model one that’s more reliable!)
I am still working hard on getting over that (as much as one can anyway!) but I STILL don’t want my picture taken because I don’t feel like the person I see in the picture is me! I see a stranger when I look at photos of myself. Who in the hell is that middle aged, overweight, sickly looking woman? It most certainly cannot be ME! Maybe my camera must be possessed? (lol)
I mean seriously, just how did I get this old and how can your outward appearance change so much in a few short years? I know, I know, Being sick and in pain can age you, it can do all sorts of things to you but that’s just not good enough ya know? I have changed so much that I don’t recognize myself in a mirror anymore and I’m supposed to believe that an illness like CFIDS/FM (and the medications to treat it) caused ALL OF THIS? If I had the energy I’d be REALLY pissed off, but I am in too much pain and am just too tired for anger. Besides, anger just causes more physical pain so where would that get me? I have to choose not to be angry and keep trying to deal with the punches as they come. There’s just one little problem….Just how do I do that?
I think I just have to throw my hands up in the air and say “Phooey on all of it!” I mean there really is no room for vanity in my life right now. (ack! Did I just say that?)
Okay so I am making a public (with you as my witness) “mid-year resolution” (since I never made any New Years Resolutions); and my mid-year resolution is to allow myself to be photographed more often whether I’m sick or not. Even when I have no make up on, even if I’m dressed in pj’s and here is the hardest part…(God help me with this one!), EVEN IF I HAVEN’T STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR! (For my new blog friends who have only seen pictures of me with straight hair, believe it or not I am cursed with horribly curly hair. I try not to let anyone other than my family and local friends see me without having my hair flat ironed). Seriously though, I’m fighting through tremendous pain just to type this post today. There is absolutely no way I could blow dry & flat iron my hair and put on makeup! I wish I could just numb my arms and hands today, I can’t remember them hurting this bad, EVER! (Sorry, I’m done whining now!)
You know, the more I think about all of this the more I end up drawing the same conclusion. Even though I absolutely hate the way I look right now compared to before I got sick, how important is that in the long run? I mean my family is most important and my sons, my nieces and nephew for the most part don’t remember me any other way right? And as a scrapbooker, I know that it’s better to leave photographic memories for your loved ones even if you don’t look as good as you used to (or AT ALL like you used to LOL). I’m cringing while I am typing this but if I’m honest, this is the advice I would be giving to any of my friends if they were going through this. Sometimes it’s hardest to take our own advice isn’t it?
BTW, Does anyone happen to know how to force an almost 17 year old who hates his family (lol) to pose for a picture with them? If so, can you pass it along to me? hehe Thanks!
well at least for Justin and myself.
Ty-Ty wasn’t here yet!
This picture is one of two that I think were taken during my pregnancy with Tyler.
I was only 6 months pregnant here…I was HUGE with Ty!
Especially compared to Justin, you could barely tell I was pregnant with Justin!
This photo of Justin, Tyler and myself was taken about a 1-2 years before I started feeling symptoms. Tyler was still into Blue’s Clues and Justin still cuddled with me so they must have been around 7 and 3. (If I try to hug Justin now, he cringes LOL). We were at my mom and step-dad’s house and all fell asleep. Life was sweet back then!
These two photos were taken about 2003 or 2004 I’m guessing. This is about the time that I first started to experience health problems but I wasn’t sure what it was. I just wrote it off to the stress of being a single mom with two special needs kids.
See our dogs? Ginger is the Alaskan Malamute mix who is now 8 years old and Snowbelle, the sweet little Bichon, is about 6 years old.
We had to give her to my mom and step-dad which was SO difficult. The good news is that they live just around the corner so we get to see her daily. The reason that we had to give her to my mom is a complicated story, one that I’ll share with you one day but let’s just say that autism+Super Mario Smash Bros was not a great mix and little Snowbelle was safer living with my mom at the time. The line between reality and fantasy are so confusing to a little one whose reality is different from ours. (Super Smash Bros is a video game that Tyler was playing back then).
This picture was a HORRIBLE attempt to try and be sexy! lol
It was taken by my sister in law on another trip to Las Vegas.
I think this trip was the following year, but I can’t remember for sure.
I’ve made a lot of trips to Vegas! As you can see I was trying out the blonde hair and
believe me, it didn’t last long! This is such a silly picture it’s embarrassing to post it
but I don’t have many others so what the heck! LOL
This is a horrible picture of me but my kids are so cute!
This was my 3rd cruise (yeah, I’m burnt to a crisp!) Justin’s 2nd cruise
and Tyler’s 1st. Tyler refused to go with us on the previous cruise so we
took my oldest niece Vanessa instead. (she is the exact same age as Tyler)
As you can see, Justin inherited the curly hair from me. He has his head shaved now!
I’ll have to post some pics of his different hairstyles through the years that
include a bowl cut (my idea), straight and short, curly and LONG, curly and LONGER,
DREADLOCKS and now a shaved head! He changes his hair more often than I ever did!
He even had it died black and white for awhile lol He’s so creative and cool though. 🙂
He’s never been much of a follower, he does things his own way and doesn’t care what others think. Just like his mom!
I was doing pretty good after a long bout of illness but you can see how much
weight I gained from the meds I was on. It was horrible.
This was taken on my last trip to Las Vegas in 2007.
Man I got my hair SO STRAIGHT that night! LOL
I got some of the weight off but not all. (I’m still working on it!)